Bail ME Out

I'd like to take a few moments today to talk about something serious. Not that we don't take our blog seriously because trust me, we do. It's just that there is so much drama happening in the world right now it's becoming impossible to ignore it. I know everyone has heard much about the new "It" word Bailout. At this point, you could play a drinking game with "bailout" while watching CNN and be comatose within 10 minutes (note to self: Friday night is open). So bear with me while I put my two billion cents into the pile. I'd like to address a specific bailout, my personal favorite bailout, from way back in late September. AIG (American International Group for you newbies) recently received a "get out of jail free" card in the amount of $85 billion. The government HAD to do this in order to protect Joe 6-packs insurance. The hard-working American people shouldn't suffer because of the greed and complete lack of ethics of this company. The government did what they HAD to do and now we can all rest a little better at night knowing our hockey mom's insurance policy is safe and sound. Surely, someone is going to monitor this situation and make sure that the powers that be at AIG use that money wisely, maybe cut back on the botox and get down to business? NOPE! As it turns out, they felt so confident with their newfound surplus some executive genius said "hey, you know what we could really use after working so hard to completely suck at our jobs? A $440,000 'business' retreat! Someone fire up the jet because we deserve a little TLC." And off they flew to the exclusive St. Regis resort in California where rooms go for an average $1600 a night.

During my hardcore research on this topic I was able to find the expense report for the trip. A few "business related" expenses are listed below:

Rooms: $139,375.30
Banquet Facility: $147,301.71 (check this place off my possible wedding reception list)
In Room Dining: $3,064.71
Stonehill Tavern: $5,016.32 (Cristal anyone?)
Spa Gaucin: $23,380.00
Salon Vogue: $1,488.00
Golf: $6,939.09

I'm sure there are fantastic explanations for all of these expenses. No one wants to see their CEO walking around with last week's pedicure. And god forbid a bunch of rich white guys got together for business and couldn't play golf. So in the spirit of our country's great generosity, I've decided to pretend that the tax payers are bailing ME out today. Maybe I went on a few benders too many and destroyed my company from the ground up...doesn't really matter because it's not my problem now.

What is the first thing that I am going to do with all that money?? Well, for starters I'm going to fly my board of directors to Las Vegas in my private jet. According to Air Royale Private Jet Rental, I can get a mid-size Gulfstream Executive Jet to take 15 of my execs from Detroit to LV for $55,403. Sold. Now I really don't enjoy flying, even on my own Gulfstream Jet, so I'd like to blackout for most of the trip. We're going to need about 10 bottles of Louis Roederer Cristal Champagne (2002) at $299.00/each so $3000 for the bubbly. Upon arrival, we'll need someone to drive us around for the weekend. I think a Hummer H2 super stretch limo should do it. It's $200 per hour and we'll need it for the full 72 hours (if the city doesn't sleep, neither do we!) so let's estimate $14,400 for the Hummski. I'll tell our driver to take us directly to the Bellagio where we will check into our private villas for the 3-night conference. Last I checked on Forbes.com, the Bellagio villas were the most expensive rooms in the city at a rate of $6000 per night. We'll need 5 of them to sleep comfortably, so put me down for $90,000 in room fees. We're going to be starving once our champagne hangover wears off, so we'll need to find something special to eat. Oh, what the heck, why don't we spread the love amongst a few of the top 10 most expensive restaurants in Las Vegas. Friday night we'll eat at Alex at the Wynn Resort. Dinners run about $120 per person so let's round up to $2500 after tip and booze. Saturday we'll dine on the Restaurant Guy Savoy's 10-course tasting menu for $290 per person = $4350. And Sunday night we'll have our conference closing banquet at Joel Robuchon at MGM Grand. I hear they have a to-die-for 16 course tasting menu for $360. $5400 is nothing for a meal prepared by the "Chef of the Century." Now we can't spend all of our time at dinner meetings, so we're going to need tickets to at least ONE show. How about 15 lower orchestra seats to the Beatle-inspired Love by Cirque Du Soleil show at the Mirage? At $300 each it's only going to cost $4500! After rocking out to the Beatles for a few hours, who can blame us when we're ready to get down to business...Tao Nightclub style. I don't mind when my employees blow off some steam on the dance floor, so I've reserved the 4 VIP tables surrounding the DJ booth. I guess bottle service is included for each table, so we'll just order two bottles of Grey Goose for each table or about $4000 total. On second thought, we could drink all of that by 11 and since clubs are open till 4am here, we'll really need the second round of bottles. I think we'll be lucky to get out of there with a $10k tab. I'll probably cancel our morning meeting on Saturday because of all the hard work we did on Friday night, so we'll just head to the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace. Everyone knows that execs need to look sharp on a daily basis, so I'm not going to feel guilty about spending oh, say another $200,000 on various necessities. I need a new wardrobe for our company's new direction and Balenciaga, Louis Vuitton, Cartier, Versace, Agent Provocatuer (don't judge), and Marc Jacobs really helped me nail down that "sexy woman in charge" look that I so desperately need (thank you Sarah Palin!)

Overall, I really feel that we accomplished a lot. I think we can return to work focused and refreshed. If it takes $440,000 of your money to accomplish this, so be it! And to you naysayers like Rep. Jim Bunning of Kentucky (who had this to say about the bailout)
"Once again the Fed has put the taxpayers on the hook for billions of dollars to bail out an institution that put greed ahead of responsibility and used their good name to take risky bets that did not pay off," I have this to say to you sir: We spent an entire weekend in Las Vegas and didn't bet once, how's that for fiscal responsibility!