Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Atta boy!!!

I have a secret...a deep, dark, dirty little secret that's been festering (isn't that an awful word!?! Almost as bad as 'panties' eww...gross), and growing for the last 6 years.  Allow me to explain.  Six glorious years ago I met Nick, my cute little Kleenex monster of a husband, and as most of our reader's know, he's a sports fan. Okay, let's be honest...he's a sports nut job and his number one team is the University of Michigan football team. Well way back when we first started dating it was a really big deal for him to invite a girl to one of these revered football games so I knew we were on like donkey kong when he invited me to the Michigan vs. Iowa game.  Now, not only did he invite me to sit on the 45 yard line in the 58th row, (amazing seats!!), he ushered me down to the field after placing a laminated golden ticket around my neck that had a big fat "A", that's right, for All-Access baby!  I remember him opening the gate as I slowly walked down the 5 steps from the stadium seating to the field and I was suddenly surrounded by giant aliens in yellow spandex, pads, and winged helmets. I'm 5'7 in my highest heels so being the shortest thing out on the field naturally my eyes were immediately drawn to the bubblicious booties all around me! I was seeing yellow lumps and humps everywhere I turned and I wanted to get my hands on it, yes you read that right, I was overcome with desire to smack them all! I watched the players dole out their teammate love taps and I wanted a piece of the action bad!  Just to give an 'atta boy', you know, a regular 'good game' pat, that's all I wanted.  Surely they'd welcome it from a girl fan right? Well I wasn't sure how that would go over at my first game so I put it on the back burner for that season and every year since I've fought the urge to breeze my hand across those tight yellow buns, but this year it's all gonna change. I've already given the Miami of Ohio team mascot, a Redhawk, an 'atta boy' while down on the field so I think it's just a matter of time till I finally feel those scrumptious love muffins in my hands, and if I'm really lucky, I'll get my hands on the behind of Sam McGuffie, said like Sam McGruffie (as in the 'don't do drugs' McGruff!)  I'll keep you posted!!

that stringy meat...


Before I delve into my contribution for today I have to take a moment and congratulate Lisa on a successful expedition into the world of cooking! 27 years in the making and she actually browned meat!  For those of you unfamiliar with Lisa's history in the kitchen, let me impress upon you the gravity of tonight's accomplishment...no joke, the girl eats Progresso's Lentil soup with Parmesan goldfish at least 2 nights a week, and the other night's she's mixes it up with a bowl of Special K Red Berries cereal or she's over here apologizing for once again mooching off of Nick and I!  I bet you she washed her hands about 50 times, every time she came within 3 inches of the raw turkey, like that's even meat!  But enough making fun, I'm totally impressed and I think we might have a domestic goddess in the making, the eharmony boys are really going to flock now!!!

Domestic Goddess


I made tacos for dinner. Why is this a blog-worthy event you might ask? Allow me to repeat: I made tacos for dinner! While this might seem like child's play to you, it's a major day in my culinary experience. Something has come over me lately and I really feel like stepping up my domestic game. Maybe it's my foray into online dating or maybe my body is finally rejecting those microwave meals...either way, it's happening. I can now add "tacos" to my long list of recipes (I'll just stick it right at the top, number 1). So were they edible?? Were they ever!

My taco adventure began at the grocery store this evening promptly after leaving the office. I braved the death-defying traffic in the Kroger parking lot, secured a cart with NO squeaking wheels, and took a deep breath. Grocery shopping is like going to the dentist for me, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I won't set foot in a Meijer for fear that I'll never make it out. So after searching the aisles for the essential products - shampoo, soy milk, Lean Cuisines on sale!!, yogurt, Parmesan Goldfish - I remembered that I was making tacos. I had to run over a few small children to get to the sour cream fridge before wheeling it allll the way back to the part of the store that I find the most intimidating, the most horrific, the most possibly disease-ridden...the meat cooler. To my pleasant surprise, they are actually grinding turkey meat into those little wormy looking strips...ground turkey hello. I have to grab the first turkey package I see and toss it into my cart before I have anymore flashbacks from "The Wall"...if you haven't seen it, then continue eating that ground meat in peace. Anyways, I bravely make it home with the new copy of Vogue and a strong determination to use my stove.

The meat browns nicely and, for the first time since I've lived here, my apartment actually smells like food. I set out the fancy china that I recently inherited from my mom (who bought it for a steal at an auction), and prepare my taco toppings. Now I ask you this, is lettuce really necessary? Is it really that crucial to have crunchy green tasteless lettuce on your tacos? The answer is no...mostly because I forgot to buy it, but also because it just doesn't serve a purpose...think about it. I wish I could tell you that I made some horrible mistakes tonight or that I'm currently writing this from the fire station after burning down my house, but it's just not true. I was a great success! I don't think it really matters that I used ALL of the seasoning for only HALF of the meat...sometimes I like extra salt. And if the shells were a tad brownish-black on one side, who's to blame except my over eager oven? The tacos were delicious. Up next...spaghetti!

Cheap and Chic


In order to give this blog a bit more direction, I think it's worth explaining a few of our inspirations. No idea is truly original, as we've come to find out, so we're hoping to bite off of a few different websites from time to time. (We were distraught to find out that our genius "celebrity fantasy draft" idea was already taken).

One day while browsing the internet and multi-tasking at work, I stumbled upon a fabulous website called "Bag Snob." Ladies, if you love fashion and love pretending like you are the second coming of Carrie Bradshaw, then you will adore this site. It was started by two childhood friends who have a passion, and insane budget, for designer handbags. They review all the hottest bags each season and trash the undeserving. Some women visit the site to plan their next extravagant purchase, while others simply like to window shop and calculate how many beer bottles they would need to return to afford that $1800 Chloe bag (18,000 bottles if you're curious, but who's counting).

The brands they review read like a who's who of fashion week: Fendi, Prada, Chloe, YSL, Ferragamo, Dior, Hermes, Vuitton, and of course the industry standard Chanel. The holy grail of bags is the Hermes Birkin (starting price for the base model is a measly $8000), and the "cheap thrill" of the week is a vintage alligator clutch for ONLY $800. You get the idea. Now, let's be boring and practical. I would have to save 6 paychecks, live in a cardboard box, and cancel my Netflix subscription just to afford the starter version of the Birkin. And I just don't think the delicate leather exterior would hold up very well while I'm sleeping outside in the bitter cold Michigan winter. Needless to say, us budget bag lovers need an alternative.

That's where the divas come in. Leigh and I plan to search the stores high and low (an average weekend really) for the most fashionable and affordable pieces on the market. We'll report back here with all of our finds and purchases. It's really the least we can do to fight the economic crisis. If none of us are going to have 401k's or social security checks when we are old, we might as well spend our money looking good now. Guys, I think we can hold our own for you as well so don't feel left out. If you're interested, check out our inspiration websites listed below, then come back here for a dose of reality.

www.bagsnob.com
www.net-a-porter.com
www.couturesnob.com

Monday, September 29, 2008

Diary of a Newlywed....Cracking the code


Newton and Einstein, I challenge you! I implore you to explain a physical impossibility of mind-blowing proportions! It defies all quantum physics, mechanics, theories of relativity, and worst of all Good Housekeeping articles! To your right you will notice a pair of jeans slumped on the floor, the black meshy thing is the dirty clothes hamper. I've set a size 7 silver Kate Spade high heel to properly scale the distance between the jeans and the hamper, a mere 8 inches. My theory, (and I have three months worth of evidence to back me up), is that there is a reverse magnetic force field surrounding the hamper that causes dirty clothes to bounce off, like those neon bouncy balls we used to play Jacks with, when thrown at the opening. I see no other explanation that makes sense; surely the pants weren’t left on the floor only 8 inches from the hamper…that’s absurd...no one in their right, even lazy, mind would leave them sitting on the floor, or worse yet, literally drop their drawers and step out of them without placing them in the hamper….must be a force field, must be. What else could it be? That’s where our readers come in, I need help cracking the code!!

ALL POINTS BULLETIN!!


KLEENEX MONSTER STILL ON THE LOOSE, TERRORIZING CITIZENS WITH HIS INCESSANT NOSE BLOWING!!!

Last seen in the Plymouth area dressed in Southpark pajama bottoms and a Barry Manilow T-shirt, be on the lookout!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Ain't No Shame in This Game

I'm sold. I love it, love Eharmony. It's by far the most entertaining experience I've ever had online. Gone are the negative feelings I had yesterday. Now the only feeling I have is awesomeness. I don't even know where to begin. First some stats: I've been matched with 80 guys in the Metro Detroit area ranging from ages 25-36. 99.5% are engineers. To my disappointment 0% of them are rock stars. It's only day two though. They all read self-help and business motivation books (this is without exception). I had to immediately "Close Communication" with one of them because he listed a book by Donald Trump as his favorite. I'd say 99% list "keeping physically fit" as their number one hobby (it's a regular gun show). The majority of profiles are really similar which is partly Eharmony's fault for structuring it the way they do. You can't really get creative with your profile so you see the same three answers to every question (1. keeping physically fit, 2. managing my finances, 3. creating romance in a relationship). It's painfully obvious that these guys read the same Maxim article about how ladies love buff, rich, romantic men. It gets boring actually reading the profiles after a while because no one comes off as unique or creative or different in anyway. I think I prefer reading myspace or facebook profiles because at least you can see what music, movies, TV shows, etc. people like. I mean if I go through this whole process and find out that my coffee date loves Nickelback, we're going to have a problem. Anyways, the best part and perhaps the most telling are the photos. I usually just go right for the photos and skip the profile all together - let's be honest. There was a 30-year-old who posted his high school senior picture because he didn't have any others...riiiight, a nice looking head shot of a guy that was followed up by him and his giant beer belly on a boat, a guy inexplicably wearing a bunny suit, a couple serial killers, web cams galore, and countless "oh hi there, I just got out of the shower, wrapped this towel around me and took a cell phone shot" cheese balls. It's so voyeuristic, I absolutely love it. So where am I? Well, I responded to one guy's multiple choice questions (did I mention he was a doctor?). I figure at least he's saving lives and not taking them. Overall, I've really warmed up to it and am looking forward to answering many more cookie cutter multiple choice questions. At least this way I can't mess anything up for a while, which is kinda genius.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Let the Fun Begin

I took the plunge and actually decided to pay for dates. I'm feeling a bit negative after spending the last hour reviewing my 80 some matches (I've actually had this for a month but never looked at it). Granted I haven't gone through all the prince charmings just yet, but the first two pages were enough for one day. So far I've been "nudged" by a guy who wrote an entire profile about how if "you just want to use me or cheat on me then keep looking." Sucks...that really takes all the fun out of dating. Most of them are engineers or some type of computer-related business person. One guy even had his only picture taken by one of those creepy web cams and his whole face was glowing. The only one who was semi-promising proved me wrong upon further inspection. He's a huge fan of funny t-shirts and they all had something to do with strippers. You know the one that says "I support single moms" and features a stripper and a pole graphic. There was another one that I think just said "SEX". I couldn't read the fine print, but I'm sure it's hilarious. The last funny t-shirt said something about Kalamazoo and then I realized why this guy is so familiar. I went to college with him and his frat brothers for four years. So I've had enough for today, but I'm sure I'll muster the energy to review a few more tomorrow. Right now I'm going to make an emergency therapy trip to the mall.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Rhythm Nation DENIED

I write this in utter shock and disbelief. Janet Jackson cancelled her concert tomorrow at the Palace! This is the worst news I've heard since NKOTB announced their reunion tour! I have been waiting for this concert since I was 6 (don't ask me why I never went to her other tours - just go with it). We had an entire day of Janet Jackson excitement planned and now it's completely ruined. I don't care what type of malfunction is happening with her tour, this is unacceptable. Throw those nipple rings on and get on stage. I suppose I could be mature about this and be grateful that it's rescheduled for October 28th, but that's a TUESDAY night. Tuesday nights are reserved for Lean Cuisines and Daily Show reruns, not trekking to the Palace and back so I can wake up several hours later for work with a hangover. Whatever Janet...you better work it on the 28th and by that I mean performing the entire dance routine from "If" from beginning to end, while singing live. Do that and you're still my hero.

Diary of a Newlywed...

Having been married for a mere 3 months I'm learning a lot about my darling husband and his habits...several of which I'm steadfastly trying to break. I've tried asking, I've tried demanding, I've tried bribing with certain kinds of "favors", none of which has worked so far. I think I'll try advertising on our locked bedroom door next...


Wanted Dead or Alive, (Preferred Dead): Kleenex Monster
Description: He's similar to the sock monster in his sneakiness but instead of making socks disappear from the sock drawer and dryer he makes used Kleenex's appear all over the house. Beware, because you never know where one might appear! He must have nice teeth too because he tends to leave used floss all over the house as well. Best to always look at the ground while walking amongst his lair as you never know when your foot might squash a booger-filled tissue!

Reward: 100 saucy chicken wings

The Masterplan

So here's the big idea. While it may be hard to believe from the picture posted above (one of our classiest I might add), there are not men beating down my door. Maybe my door is too sturdy or maybe it's karma, but if I'm going to keep this "dating" section going with any steam I'm going to need some help. Now I've appreciated all of the blind dates and set ups over the years and they all hold a special place in my cold shriveled bitter heart, but I'm taking matters into my own hands now. I am going to commit to doing online dating for ONE month, purely for the sake of this ridiculous situation. I'm going to "put myself out there" for 30 days, drink a lot of coffee with strangers and see what experience I can gather from the situation. Consider this an experiment with no expected results. I'm going to take one for the team and master the art of small talk and hopefully meet a few hilarious strangers along the way. I'll report here on the good, the bad, and yes the heighth challenged. This will be our little secret.

Grey looks best in suede!

Grey may be one of the season's hottest colors for Fall but unfortunately another type of Grey's fell short of wowing us last night! 4.5 months have given us plenty of time to ponder what would become of the lesbian sparks between Callie and Erica, and if Derek and Meridith could ever stay together for more then half a season! Well surprise, surprise we still don't know! Last night's season premiere of Grey's Anatomy provided plenty of carryover of last season's leftovers, too many if you ask me. Highlights of the show: Meredith's hair color has improved and Derek is still McDreamy!! Low points: Isi and Lexie are still overacting and Christina was attacked by a killer icicle that fell from the roof and impaled her lower abdomen, (amazing how long that icicle stayed in her without melting at all) must be magic! The one shining ray of hope is a new character that was introduced, Sargent Stars and Stripes, (formerly from HBO's Rome), who stuck a pen in an accident victims trachea to save him and went on to staple the wound in his leg without pain killers...dirty yet somehow extremely hot!! Looks like he's cast as Christina's next lover/abuse victim. I've been loyal to this show mostly because of the hotness of the Mcdreamy/McSteamy duo but I just don't know if I can take another season of the scripted and unnatural back and forth banter between Meredith and Christina, the lesbian leanings of Erica and Callie, and Isi's swan song of pathetic speeches to her patients and Alex. I want to stay true, I really do but I'm sad to say Grey's may have jumped the shark last season when Meredith contemplated letting herself drown for about 20 minutes while underwater. I'll give you one more chance but if you don't show us something new I may have to abandon ship!

Our First Time

Lisa says:
So maybe we should introduce each other
Leigh says:
haha...ok
Lisa says:
Well Leigh what was our inspiration for starting this blog?
Lisa says:
go ahead...take your time
Leigh says:
Well Lisa, thanks for asking, I've long aspired to write the next great novel of our time, you know...really blow people's minds with new perspectives on life and unfortunately right as I was about to articulate my brilliant idea, The Hills came on and damned if I couldn't have one smart thought after contemplating how Heidi keeps her roots so platinum blonde all the time...
Leigh says:
...I mean seriously, she must get those touched up weekly!
Lisa says: Her hair is amazing! There is no way she does her own hair
Leigh says:
The maintenance of being a "Hills" girl must be incredibly taxing!
Lisa says:
I wouldn't even know where to begin...I can barely hold a CHI iron without dropping it let alone apply my own fake eyelashes
Lisa says:
I've also decided to abandon my education, give up my dream of becoming an editor for a literary genius and blog about mundane details of reality TV...it's so much more rewarding
Leigh says:
So what do you think we have to offer the world of blogging?
Lisa says:
I think the world of blogging needs to be reclaimed by a couple sassy straight ladies like ourselves. We've let gay men take over the gossip blogs and they've made a killing doing it. I want to party like Perez Hilton and I look way cuter in high heels than he does.
Lisa says:
Although he has lost a ton of weight recently...
Leigh says:
I think today's blogs are missing a dose of reality that we can provide, I mean let's be honest, we're a couple fo normal yet fabulous girls who live and work in the real world. We work 9-5, live on a budget, shop at the mall, and TIVO Project Runway, and we aspire to shop on Rodeo, walk the red carpet and party at GOA every weekend, that's why the title of the blog really gets to the heart of us!
Lisa says:
I agree...while we are dying to be divas, we are also living in the real world and dealing with serious issues. Make no mistake: this blog will cover all the hot topics of the day; from Heidi and Spencer's latest noble deed to how we can solve this country's financial crisis. We'll leave no stone unturned and no subject is off limits. That includes our spectacular love lives.
Lisa says:
Leigh, Mrs. Brandon, are you ready to offer your marital advice to our readers? I think everyone could learn from your experiences.
Leigh says:
Absolutely, these first three months of marriage have given me plenty of material to blog about!!
Leigh says:
And how about you Lease, are you prepared to divulge your hysterical dating experiences? Lord knows you have quite the catalog of stories!

No kidding...I think you could take the readers on a journey from what I like to call "Magic in the Desert 2008" to the present day at Brentwood. I think a youthful perspective on marriage would be riveting.
Lisa says:
Yes the Lord does know that.
Lisa says:
I am fully prepared to divulge my dating experiences and disasters (which are basically the same things when you really look at it)
Leigh says:
My take on relationships and marriage may be riveting but your dating life will have viewers hooked in no time!
Lisa says:
I will of course leave the guilty nameless
We are really coming at it from two different perspectives. You were able to find true love at a young age and maintain a healthy stable relationship...I am the complete opposite
Leigh says:
No doubt we have taken different paths in our love life, but yours is so much more interesting...and entertaining!!
Lisa says:
Yeah, I lay awake at night just thinking about how interesting and entertaining my dating life really is
Lisa says:
I have learned one thing that basically summarizes my dating life: god has an amazing sense of humor...and thankfully so do I
Leigh says:
So, are we ready then?? Ready to impart our life, dating, style, beauty, reality TV, and shameless knowledge of celebrity's "wisdom" to the world??
Lisa says:
I am more than ready! I think we were born to do this and we are just narcissistic enough to make it work!
Leigh says:
Alright then, watch out blogging world, the divas have arrived!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008